Box by box things were taken apart, to me I could not help but feel as if , not only had I buried both my parents in the physical sense but now I had to dismantle their lives. Not just lives as husband and wife, but as parents, as young adults. as children... now I had the task of putting away their memories, dividing things up... between my sisters and me.
Deciding what to keep and what to part with, who gets what and why..
I had friends do most of it for me... because I could not move fast.. everything was a memory.. a part of them... and I had to find each piece a new home... and it just seemed the more I did by myself the longer it took because I felt as if I were doing something so wrong...
Steve said, You know.. you are not really taking apart their lives, you are just moving things... and at least as far as we go, the things we get.. well , its like having a piece of mom and dad with us... so its just moving things... not ending them... that is a nice way to look at things... and it was a way that helped me through this past year..
Saturday as I walked through the echoing rooms.. I could visual each room fully furnished.. I could see my Dad sitting in his office, or sitting in a chair or on the sofa watching tv.. a scattering of paper work or a newspaper on his lap.. I could see mom cleaning up... or watching some old movie.. or dozing on the sofa..
I could see one of the New Years Day parties.. and George in the garage preparing his wonderful food... and mom .. setting things up.. with help from Carol and Andrea.. I could hear the laughter from a long time ago.. smell the BBQ salami baking in the oven.. waiting to be sliced and set out along with countless appetizers and other goodies.. I could hear my dad tell a joke or two...
I can remember the sadness... I could feel the pain of 3 shivas, My grandmother Clara, My father, and my Mother... I could feel the warmth of the people as they all came to comfort us during these times...
I stopped in each door way... and studied each room.. This was not even the house I grew up in... yet it was the place my dad was so proud of.. the place he created for mom .. I can remember when they moved in.. and how each wall was painted just so.. and each window dresssing was delicately done.. Pictures were hung... carefully.. chandliers were placed.. rugs laid down.. furniture specifically for this house was placed.. and the one piece that would not fit anywhere.. that giant armiore .. I got.. .. we laughed over that.. How things came together in that house.. just the way Mom and Dad wanted... for while they got to enjoy it together.. I wish they had that time a bit longer...
It seldom matters what we wish for.. destiny has a way of laying the road map.. and lives end and begin... with no set reason... Dad was gone.. Fast.. Mom persevered the best she could... we tried to help her.. but as always you know .. you know in your heart you could have done more... at least I do... and now.. here we are a year later...
The closing of the house is tomorrow 1 day shy of my mother's death.. July 15th 2008...
Perhaps in some odd way its fitting that we close on the house on the 14th... sort of like that circle I often think life is.. things are coming full circle..
Or perhaps it's as they say ( who ever they are).. another chapter ends.. hmm part of me does not want to turn the last page... for I realize that a house is just a building and it takes the people inside to make it a home.. and the home is gone.. because the people inside this home have died.. they are gone.. while their voices are memories.. and their images forever in my heart... turning that last page tomorrow is extreemly bittersweet... for I know I have done all that was asked of me... but my heart.. still hurts..
I keep trying to change the perspective.. but then there really is no perspective to change.. I did.. what had to be done.. as was asked of me... I did the best I could.. Now I just have the memories..some resting on my walls, some laying on my floors.. some for sitting on.. some still in boxes .. waiting for their new home... so.. Here we are...
I miss you Mom.. I miss you Dad.. I hope you are satisfied with the way things have been done... I hope I did the right thing..
I love you
Honi
