Monday, August 4, 2008

IFs are very PAINFUL

Ifs are very painful..
If the doctor had done more scans
If the doctor had looked at other options
If the doctor had done more
If the doctor had super powers
If the doctor could just wave his hand over a patient and poof all problems are solved.
You can IF yourself to absurdity.
I guess with my father it was DONE.. it was an accident.. a tragic horrible car wreck, by trying to over correct his van they were in. there was No do over.. there was no way to change the odds there was no having any clue that this could happen.
As with any time you drive .. Things can happen but more often than not you arrive safely to your destination... However on that November day the world spun out.. Dad's time ran out and in less than 8 seconds he was gone.. On the one hand taken so violently as the van flipped and flipped and flipped again. On the other hand taken so fast that pain was minimal at best. It was over in seconds and my mother bear witness not only in that instant but for the next 7 years of her life. Over and Over it played.. and the Ifs creeped in.. and flooded her .. Momma never quiet could find her footing afterwards.. but she tried.. She wore a sweet smile.. she tried to fit in.. she tried to find her place in this strange new world.. She made wonderful brownies and coffee cake and candy that she shared with many... she liked giving.... She wanted to fit.. but her heart her soul heart ached for what was and what was never to be again in this life. Her life , her beloved Sidney was gone.. sometimes for people who fit together like they did.. well sometimes there just is no recovery no matter what. Mom lashed out.. she said things .. she was human.. but underneath the bullshit she sent out there was a heart that encompassed all she met .. there was a love both yearning and receptive.. there was a wonderful spirit there.. Sometimes.. though things got lost in translation.. but the core of her was true and good.
People say .. we have memories... they say that as if memories are bandaids of the spirit.. they say that because.. they have no idea what else to say... I like it when someone will discuss with me.. the details of what happened with my mother.. With my father it is all at peace and understood.. there was no rescue... With my mother there are questions.. I have spoken to friends who are researchers, who are professors .. I have spoken to friends who are doctors.. I have spoken to friends who have questions too.. more questions than answers... I just want peace with this.. I want to know why we were not told more of the risk.. I fail to believe that in this day and age there was not some test.. some scan that could have given a better road map to my mothers physical heart. Perhaps the outcome would have been the same... but I just want to know that nothing was amiss... I know it will not bring her back... there is no amount of ANYTHING that can bring back either of my parents... but Knowledge is power.. and if you have that power then that can lead to peace...
I was so angry this afternoon when I wrote my last post.. so terribly angry... but as it is often pointed out to me.. and I often say.. Anger does not do anything.. it is a waste of time and does not do a body good. So where do we go from here.. sometimes the tears just run for no reason .. sometimes that deep physical longing to just see the person that is gone is overwhelming... I know I am not suppose to feel guilt... just ask my family.. but guilt sits in my heart too.. as much as i try to let it go.. I know that I could have done better.. and been more patient.. and given more and not gotten so exasperated.. I know I could have felt less obligation and more love... because I know how I feel regardless if I am suppose to feel that way or not... I also know that guilt.. like anger does no one good..

No comments: