~~ I changed the slide show above.. over time I will be adding the pictures in posts.. and some of the articles too.. ~~
You would think that each day you get farther from something the easier it becomes.. but thats really not the truth when it comes to death.. The farther you are away from the loss.. the deeper the pain feels..
For now I am in that angry phase.. why didn't the doctors warn us more.. Why did they not explain the odds fully? All the doctors said was that she had a better than 85% chance of a complete recovery.. We should have been prepared for the possibility of this outcome. A doctor should never just say the word risk he should explain things.. I guess he thought this was going to be a routine procedure.. I know that there were other options for mom. She could have opted out on the surgery and died naturally. I guess that might have been worse.. I am sure it would have. The doctor told us the leak was severe the night before the surgery.. and mom's symptoms were getting worse... but he never played up the risks...
My mom died with love around her. I would have given her more had I known that was the last time I would see her. I guess wishes really do not count though.. they do not matter.... Even when we see the full report from the hospital it will not change anything.. I know this..
SO why am I angry.. ?? it is all part of the grieving process I guess.. I am angry at other things.. for example how quickly UAB can issue a bill.. with the wrong date of service.. Mom did go in the hospital on the 14th of July but her surgery was the 15th.. or lack there of. The statement prior to insurance was dated.. july 14th for surgery and everything... they charged us over $16,000 just for the use of the surgery area.. my mother was barely there an hour... the pharmacy charged us over $3,000 .. my mother brought most of her own medications from home per MEDICARE. The total of the statement is over $50,000 and for what I ask you.. ? NOTHING THEY DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO SURGERY SHE WAS DEAD BEFORE IT BEGAN!!!! okay maybe for the Arteriogram I can see a charge or so.. but charging for a surgery that never happened.. well we won't know the true bills until after insurance does their part.. but I am sure there are many more to come.. I just felt such rage when I saw this though I can not begin to explain it.. as my eyes wandered the statement.
I do have to say that the staff at the hospital who took care of mom.. most of them were so sweet.. from the folks in the holding area, to the folks the night before the surgery..... who would have ever thought this is how it would end up.. where the end of my mom's life is a bundle of medical statements that have absolutely no context or meaning right now.. just slammed on numbers for work NOT DONE.. for surgery that never happened.. I could go on and on..
See now I am angry.. and there is no place for the anger to go.. so I guess in time it diminishes.. and tumbles into a clump of ashes.. settling in the base of my belly. as do all the other emotions that stir inside of me.. from the guilt and sadness and rage.. and sorrow.. and shock.. to the memories, the love.. the melancholy..